INVISIBLE STRING: POPTART

INVISIBLE STRING: POPTART

Monday, October 14, 2024

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I have discussed this topic before, but it's always a good one to review. It's about buying a horse. I'm also tying this one in to my Invisible String (it was Invisible Forces, but I guess Taylor Swift wanted me to name it after her song...who am I to argue?) 

Now when I bought this red mare that I call PopTart, I was coming off of not having a horse for about ten years. I had also had my confidence in nearly everything wrecked by my ex-husband. So of course I bought the first horse I tried that was hot and super confident and challenging...because why wouldn't I?

I did not get a PPE, and honestly I had decided to buy her before I ever even went to test her. It was 100% an emotional decision. And I don't regret it at all. 

However, I got lucky. 

I may have lost my confidence, but I had 20+ years of horse experience to rely on. She is reasonably sound and requires minimal maintenance (although that may change with our next vet visit - I'll talk about that later when I have answers). I would not recommend that anyone purchase a horse on vibes alone unless they have the experience and funds to back it up if things take a turn. 

What I would recommend is that if you are a first time or new to the horse game individual that you take a trusted experienced friend or trainer with you. I also definitely recommend a PPE, especially if the price point is a higher one. I'd also recommend trying the horse several different times. 

PopTart ended up being exactly the horse I needed because if I'd gotten a calmer horse or one that didn't challenge me then I wouldn't have renewed my confidence. I firmly believe that if I had gotten a "confidence builder" that I would have gotten complacent. I spent awhile getting her to learn how to walk on a loose rein, pick up her leads, and just in general riding her. It helped that I got her about six months before the covid lockdown, so I ended up having tons of free time to do all of this. 

Now she's had a baby, who I just adore. And once we get the vet clear for an issue she's been having then we will get back to work. If she doesn't get the vet clear, then we will move on from there. She has a permanent home with me either way. 

Someone once told me when I was talking about the love I have for her and how amazing she is that, "she's just a red mare, what's so special about her?" She might just be a red mare to the world, but to me she's everything. She brought me back into horses and made me realize how much they feed my soul. She gave me back a piece of myself that was missing for so long and made me whole again. For that this red mare is supremely special. 

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October Goals

October Goals

Monday, September 30, 2024

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My goals for October got a little derailed with Hootie blowing an abscess. It's in the worst possible spot too. And the wild thing is that he was never lame. The day it burst he would shift his weight off that foot, but he never took a lame step. He's being given some additional time off before he starts working on getting back in shape. This means we cannot start the fall gymkhana that we wanted to do for fun on opening day, but maybe we can join later in the season. 

PopTart needs spinal x-rays, so that's our goal for this month for her. 

Karma is just continuing learning all the baby stuff. She's honestly so easy. I am sure at some point we'll find her point of resistance, but she is super agreeable. 

Disco is moving into some harder work under saddle. I'm helping my stepkiddo get her started. They're doing amazing, and I think they'll be a cute team.

Bash is moving at a snail's pace, but that's okay. I'm trying not to get impatient. He is just a little immature emotionally, and he gets freaked out about some things. We will just keep taking it slow, and we will move at a glacial pace if that's what he needs. Things like this are why I don't do outside horses and will not. If he was someone else's and they paid for 90 days they'd want faster results, and I believe that would be detrimental to him in the long run. 

As far as me, I'm working heavily on my mental game. I have some physical limitations that I am working on overcoming, and I am doing a fall equestrian fitness challenge. 

What are your October goals?

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MY VISION & HOW IT AFFECTS MY RIDING

MY VISION & HOW IT AFFECTS MY RIDING

Monday, September 23, 2024

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me + Bash

I have pretty bad vision. Without my contacts or glasses I cannot see anything, and even my glasses cannot get my vision crisp. I have a restriction on my drivers license, and I struggle to drive at night due to some other eye issues. 

I have sjogren's, which is an autoimmune disorder that can attack the eyes; mine does choose to attack my eyes. I am prone to having my eyes dry out, and I have special drops to use for that. I also am prone to corneal ulcers and as a result my eyes are scarred which further impairs my vision. 

My depth perception is slightly skewed, and that's really what affects my riding. It has gotten worse in the past few years, and with barrel racing I sort of need to be able to perceive where the barrels are and where I need to set my horse up to run to. I'm adjusting slowly. 

It's one of the reasons I haven't pursued my coaching. I need to be able to see well in order to coach well. I can help quite a bit, and it's easier from the ground rather than riding myself. But my eyes hurt. 

I am extremely photosensitive, so going out in the sun is painful for my eyes. There aren't sunglasses strong enough to help. And then at night my vision struggles in low light. It's really just a no win. I'm working on solutions and learning how to adapt. 

Driving is scary at times, and if I have to drive in low light conditions I'll typically decline unless my partner can drive me. If I'm having a painful eye day then I absolutely cannot drive. I won't put other people in danger that way when I cannot see. All of this is making the pursuit of my dreams a little difficult, but there are solutions and I'll find them. 

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September Goals

September Goals

Tuesday, September 3, 2024

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me + Bash

my shirt available here

Every month I like to assess my goals as they relate to my BIG GOAL. I look at what I achieved the past month and what adjustments I need to make, then I set my determine if I need to adjust my goal for the month based on what horses are doing what and where they are. I typically have varying goals for each horse as well. I wouldn't expect my four year old to be working in the same way as my older horses. 

I think it's important when working with horses to be flexible in our goal setting. While our BIG GOAL shouldn't change, the way we get there should as we achieve things with horses, there are injuries, or weather or just life getting in the way. Overall, the horse has to come first. 

I had wanted to run Bash this December at The All In. But due to my health and some personal factors that just wasn't going to happen. Yes I could have pushed him and gone, but ultimately it wouldn't have been the best experience for him. It wouldn't have added to the longevity of his career, and I likely would have spent the money to go without a real chance of placing or winning anything. 

That's part of my goal setting as well. And if your goal is to make money at this it should be part of yours as well. This sport is expensive, and if we are constantly entering places without a chance of winning then what you're doing is a hobby. If it's a hobby then that's amazing, and I applaud you. I personally cannot and do not want to pay $1200 entry fees for my hobby. 

My goals for this month for each horse are: 

• Hootie: start bringing back into shape, building muscle on the toppling
• PopTart: nothing until we get the x-rays on her spine
• Karma: fully wean by the end of the month (we're doing gradual weaning)
• Bash: no fear when someone is on the mounting block next to him fully saddled
• Disco: help my stepchild get her under saddle (she's been riding bareback at liberty)

My riding/horse goals for me this month are:

• continue core building exercises
• incorporate yoga into morning routine

My actual barrel racing goals are not even on the table currently as I have an older gelding, my main mare is worrying me with her health, and then I have the baby and my gelding who isn't started yet. This would have worried me in the past, but now I'm perfectly fine because I know how to adjust my milestones along the way to my Big Goal. 

I am working on a digital goal setting planner specifically for barrel racers, so hopefully soon I'll be ready for some testers. If you'd be interested make sure you're following me on social media. 

Until next time. 

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YOU CAN SIT WITH ME

YOU CAN SIT WITH ME

Tuesday, August 20, 2024

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PopTart & Me

What's with all the mean girls?

Through various reasons like it's the height of summer in the desert where I live, PopTart is still nursing Karma, Hootie is out of shape (and I'm not going to get a 20 year old gelding into shape when it's 100 degrees out), and Bash is working on being starting I haven't been riding. I've also had some health struggles which are way worse in the summer. 

All of this to say I've been online more than I typically like to be. Because I've been online more, I've been trying to be more involved in the local horse scene. I also wanted to coach more, but I'm mostly cured of that now. And this type of behavior is partly why.  

I am sure that no matter what area you're in there are the cliques and the bullies and the mean girls. I just typically never notice because I'm so busy doing my things. This summer I just didn't have many things going on, so I got to do a lot of observing and talking to people and listening and learning. 

I know I've written about this before, but it weighs heavy on my mind. It weighs on me because for every supportive person I see cheering others on and encouraging them and offering helpful insights, I see double that making fun of folks for any number of reasons. I've seen people getting made fun of for not having a $3000 saddle or not driving brand new rigs or having a grade horse or their weight. I've seen some people doing both things. They'll have multiple social media accounts, and on one they're sweet as honey while on the other one they're lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut. For those ones, I just wonder...do they think we can't see it's the same person in those videos? 

Anyway, if you're local to my area and I'm ever hauling some to a local jackpot or event, feel free to sit with me. I'm probably bringing some out for exposure or to work out some issues, my truck and trailer aren't brand new, and I'm currently riding in a Hilason because I couldn't afford to spend $2K+ on a new saddle no matter how much I wanted one. I have stuff that I can afford without going broke and it's safe, fits my horses, and works for now until I can afford more. 

Now don't get me wrong, I'll judge the hell out of someone who runs injured horses, abuses one, runs one that is underweight, and if you watch you'll see me cringe at the mouths gaped wide open as the rider balances on the reins and yanks at a horse who is already giving their all while whipping them with an over-under. I'll never judge a beginner, or someone trying their best to get with their horse, or anyone genuinely trying and being a partner with their animal no matter what tack they have on or what they pulled up in. 

Some of y'all need to learn some damn manners. 

 

 

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ANXIETY AND HOW I DEAL WITH IT AT EVENTS

ANXIETY AND HOW I DEAL WITH IT AT EVENTS

Thursday, August 15, 2024

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Many of y'all know that I have anxiety. 

And not the regular anxiety that everyone gets. I have several mental illnesses including bipolar (which creates anxiety), OCD (mine focuses on obsessive thoughts, so when I get anxiety I cannot stop thinking about it), PTSD (which intensifies anxiety, specifically in certain situations), and then Generalized Anxiety Disorder. 

I deal with these mental illnesses through medications and a variety of skills I've learned in therapy. I have done both DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) and CBT (cognitive behavior therapy). In both of these I learned skills to help break the cycle of obsessive thoughts and retrain my brain to focus away from anxiety. 

One of the things I utilize is the 5-4-3-2-1 Things method. For this, I focus on five things I can see, four things I can touch, three things I can hear, two things I can smell, and one thing I can taste. This pulls me out of my head and makes me focus on things outside of myself. 

I also focus on box breathing also called battle breathing, bomb breathing, or a few other names. Find that method by clicking here. This method allows me to focus on my breathing which turns my mind off and relaxes my body. 

If I am feeling super anxious, I do not get on my horse as all of that anxious energy will transfer to them. I will hand walk them and focus on my breathing or the five things until I feel a little more under control. 

Prior to the event, I focus on spending time each day with my horses. Then I remind myself that I did this and nothing bad happened. I focus on all the times I was successful with my horses instead of honing in on the bad things. I also visualize my runs or rides going smoothly every day. I do this before the run as well. 

While at events I rarely socialize, and I don't watch every other rider. I will watch a few to see how the ground is holding, then I just focus on my horse and myself. Listening to music helps or visualizing perfect runs for myself and my horse. There are tons of methods to minimizing anxiety and fear, so find the ones that work for you. 

I talk about mental health every Monday on my personal instagram page Click Here! I often share tips for overcoming anxiety and not letting it stop you. Along with other mental health and mental wellness tips and ideas. 

A few years ago, I made a vow to confront the things that scare me. I overcame my fear of birds. I'm more at ease driving on highways, and I'm working on my fear of heights. Immersion therapy is not always effective, and you truly have to be in the right head space. But I wanted to not let my fear do things that I truly love. 

I love riding horses, and I love barrel racing. Having my confidence destroyed by an ex impacted me in so many ways that I am healing from. Ultimately, I decided that I wasn't going to let him continue controlling my life and keeping me from doing things that I love. Although I will always deal with anxiety, I am finding ways to minimize it and do things that I need to do or love to do even when it scares me. 

If you struggle with mental health, I highly recommend therapy and a medical professional to see if you need medication and therapeutic intervention. I know, without a doubt, that these things have saved my life on more than one occasion. It is great to reach out on social media or follow people who share their mental health journey, but NOTHING can replace medication and therapy. 

Follow me on social media for more! 

 

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SETTING GOALS + BACKWARDS PLANNING

SETTING GOALS + BACKWARDS PLANNING

Friday, June 21, 2024

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Setting Goals + Backwards Planning

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As a former teacher, I have a ton of ways to plan and reach an end goal. It's really a core component of teaching, and I know there is no reason that those methods cannot transcribe to my coaching and to my own life.

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Start at the end.

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I know it sounds counterintuitive, but if you know where you want to end up then you can plan out the smaller steps and goals along the way to get to that BIG GOAL at the end. 

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After you have the BIG GOAL, then skip to your five years from now goal. After you have a goal for five years out, then think of what goals you would need to accomplish over the next five years to get to that point. Don't worry about the day to day small things yet, just the larger benchmarks that you need to accomplish to get to that five year goal. You can do one per year or every few months. Whatever works best for you. 

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When you get to the one year out goal, then you need to worry about the small things. What series of small things will you do to reach that one year out goal. One small thing per day with bench marks along the way to mark progress. Little things you can accomplish and when they're all added up they'll work together towards that one year goal. 

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The plan should look like this outline (feel free to steal it and use it)!

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BIG GOAL

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FIVE YEAR GOAL

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Benchmark to 5 year

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Benchmark to 5 year

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Benchmark to 5 year

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Benchmark to 5 year

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ONE YEAR GOAL

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Benchmarks to 1 year

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Day to day to get to Benchmark

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Benchmarks to 1 year

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Day to day to get to Benchmark

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Benchmarks to 1 year

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Day to Day to get to Benchmark

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You can adjust this to be as many or as few benchmarks as you like. It might be different with different horses, and don't get so rigid in your goals and planning that you're not flexible or you make decisions that aren't the best for you or your horse. 

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But the most important part is making those small day to day goals and checking them off. This will allow you to track your progress and for me, it helps me not get discouraged because I can see the checkmarks on my progress sheet. This is especially helpful on those days when you feel like you're not getting anywhere; you can look back and see how far you have progressed. Videos are also a great way to do this. Keep a video diary, even if it's just for yourself. 

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I am considering opening up a paid online coaching which would focus on the mental aspects of this. I would also do run reviews based on videos. I am still working out the logistics, but please let me know if that's something y'all would be interested in! It would be fairly inexpensive as well. And we would learn anxiety control techniques, preparing our mind, staying positive, and more goal setting things. 

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BARREL RACING COACH

BARREL RACING COACH

Thursday, June 13, 2024

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Coaching Barrel Racers

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One of my favorite things that I do is coach barrel racers. I love the updates when they move up or have a good run. I love seeing them achieve their goals and chase their dreams. 

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Some of y'all know that I have an education degree and was a public school teacher for about eight years. One of the things that I miss from teaching is that aspect of it. The AHA moment that kids get when they get something, or seeing kids go on after leaving my classroom to achieve their dreams. 

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Barrel racing coaching combines that love of teaching and helping people with my love of this sport and of horses. I wish that I had the facility at my own farm so I could do it more and have more coaching clients. For now, I will just have to stick to doing what I can when I can at borrowed or rented arenas. 

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I can help somewhat via videos, but I like the connection of in-person coaching. I'm not great at social media so building a platform in that way to coach is difficult for me. I don't even really advertise that I do this. But I do, and I absolutely love it. I'm good at it. 

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Anyway, all of this to say that if you're interested in in-person or virtual coaching I am definitely available to help.

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GOALS + GETTING OFF TRACK

GOALS + GETTING OFF TRACK

Wednesday, May 1, 2024

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I've been thinking a lot lately about where I want to end up, and also of all the ways that I continually get off track and try to do things that I ultimately am not vibing with. 

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Perhaps because my actual big goals are lofty, and at those times when I allow myself to get off track it's because I'm doubting myself. I'm looking for something easier. But anything worthwhile isn't easy, right? 

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Just like this guy? He's not easy, but he's so damn cute. And one day, when he's trusting us and recovered from whatever happened to him before he made it to us, it will all be worthwhile. 

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One of the things I have to do more is say no. I have to say no to things that do not serve my larger goals. And sometimes that is so hard because I love helping horses and helping people.

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If you have a hard time sticking to your goals, like me, I'm here to tell you that it's hard. Don't get discouraged if you find yourself pursuing other things that you're not sold on because it's easier. I plan to pause before pursuing new things that are outside of my big goals (there are three) and think if the things I'm being asked to do serve those goals. And if you get off track, just pivot and get right back on track. 

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Body Condition Scoring in Horses

Body Condition Scoring in Horses

Sunday, April 21, 2024

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Something every equestrian should know is how to evaluate the body condition of their horses. There are hundreds of charts and articles about this on the internet, as well as multiple Facebook groups that will help you with nutrition if you're struggling. I'm going to do a crash course here, along with some reminders that checking your horses BCS (body condition score) as well as assessing their general health and fitness level is something that should be done on an on-going basis. 

There are six areas that we look at on horses to assess their BCS. These are the lumbar spinous processes, ribs, tailhead, right behind the scapula or shoulder, their neck, and their withers. The scale is a one through nine scale with one being emaciated and nine being severely obese. 

Some advantages of this are that it is easy to perform, integrates all body areas, and helps owners assess for risks of disease or notice changes in their horses. Some disadvantages is that it only assesses subcutaneous fat, there can be differences between evaluators, and scores may vary between breeds or body types. 

Each area is scored individually on the 1-9 scale then an average of those areas is taken to give an overall score, but as you grow more experienced in evaluating most people can just provide an overall score. 

There are some industry standards for specific classes of horses to include breeding mares, stallions, and performance horses. Breeding mares should range between 6 and 7, stallions tend to have the best success at a 5 to 6, while performance horses typically have a 4 to 5. 

This chart is simplified to give y'all an understanding. And you might look at it and say "why are performance horses at a 4? That's moderately thin!" And you'd be correct, it is moderately thin. 

However, there is a vast difference between a super fit performance horse like a racehorse or barrel horse (compare them to an Olympic or top level human athlete) and one that is just thin because of a caloric deficit. The difference is a healthy thin and an unhealthy thin. The performance horse is an incredible athlete who just simply may not be able to maintain the extra fat due to the level of performing and training they are doing. 

This is why being able to assess fitness levels alongside BCS is important. When someone is riding a thin horse that is not fit that's not a healthy decision for the horse whereas someone riding a very fit horse is. 

Example of a fit horse at BCS 4

Example of a non-fit thin horse at BCS 4

Should you ride a horse below a BCS of 4? Absolutely not. Their focus needs to be on gaining weight. And in my opinion, if you are bringing a horse back from being underweight you don't start riding them until they are at a BCS of 5. Senior horses often tend to have a harder time gaining and keeping weight, so ideally if I have a senior horse I want them at a 5/6 before I start riding them to provide that buffer. 

The same goes for horses above a 7. They need to be brought back into shape slowly. It is just as unhealthy for them to be obese as it is for them to be too thin. 

If you are struggling with proper nutrition for your horse please reach out to an equine nutritionist. I am happy to provide referrals if you reach out to me on social media. 

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Starting Bash Under Saddle

Starting Bash Under Saddle

Monday, March 4, 2024

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It's time to get this guy, Bash, started under saddle. We're off to a late start as he turns four this month, but after the injury at two with the year of stall rest/small turnout then allowing more time to make sure he was completely sound we're finally ready. 

And this is my issue. 

We purchased Bash in May of 2020 from the ranch where he was bred when he was a little over a month old. They weaned him, halter broke him, and delivered him to us in October. We've been his only owners outside of his breeder, so we know exactly how he has been handled and cared for. While most of our horses are rescues and have unknown or bad histories he does not. 

None of that is the issue. My issue is that I know he's never been mishandled. He's not sour or full of bad habits or responses to being handled improperly. He's always had proper nutrition, veterinary care, dental care, hoof care, etc. And I'm petrified to send him off to a trainer that may not be as reputable as it seems. 

I've recently been confronted with people that I had respected in regards to their horsemanship and animal husbandry show me that they actually aren't as on the up and up as I previously thought. It has been a shock to my system to have to reconcile being so wrong about a person. It's also made my suspicions arise with regards to sending my horse off. 

I have then talked to a few people about just putting on some basic rides, and I am just less than impressed with the levels of riding I am seeing. Some people might say I'm being picky, but I handpicked this colt to be part of my future. I don't want some underhanded horsemanship setting us back more than we already got set back by an accident. 

I guess my general takeaway is that I just need to do it myself. I am just worried about my already struggling physical health. The autoimmune disorder that I have affects my lungs, eyes, joints, and moisture glands throughout my body mostly. It can spread into other organs as well, but thankfully so far mine is contained to the lungs as far as body organs. However, during flares my joints become quite painful. Although I don't believe Bash will be a bronc I do know he is athletic, and I have witnessed him jump with the saddle on. I'm just not sure my joints can withstand that if I come off. 

This is such a hard thing. I have talked to one girl that I believe is a more gentle trainer. She's just getting started in this area, and although some people might want someone more experience I know that everyone has to start somewhere and she is open to a less heavy handed approach. 

Anyway, I have no clue what I will end up doing. I just know what I won't be doing and that is letting some half cocked rough rider on my horses. 

Follow me on social media for more indecisiveness! :) LOL

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Beating Anxiety

Beating Anxiety

Monday, January 8, 2024

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Me + Spanky

photo by Erin Beth Ray Photography

I've been on a slight high when I realized that I had zero anxiety hopping onto my friend's stallion, Spanky, to do my first beginner barrel racing group lesson last week. I did not once think a single thought or let them get all tangled in my head picturing the worst that could happen. I just hopped up there, and he is the perfect gentleman.

I was anxious about giving the lesson because I wanted the kids to feel like they learned something, had fun, and found an appreciation for the sport. But that didn't translate to my riding at all, which I have struggled with recently, specifically with my red mare, PopTart. 

I did put into practice the thought process of telling myself that I was EXCITED rather than anxious to do the class and ride a new horse. I kept repeating that to myself, and then once the class got started I was so focused on helping the kids and answering their questions and giving them critiques and encouraging them that I completely forgot anything about myself.

Since PopTart is currently pregnant I don't really have to worry about riding her currently, so my goal is to ride a bunch of different horses. Just get on them and go because I know I have the skills in the logical side of my brain; it's just that pesky emotional side that wants to play a montage of everything that *could* go wrong as I start to swing my leg over. 

I do believe that repetition is the only way to truly master something and for me right now that repetition is just riding and riding again. Then getting on another horse and riding it until that emotional side of my brain accepts that I am a good rider and that I don't need to create a situation where there is none. 

I just need to drown out that voice that told me for years and years that I wasn't a good rider despite never actually seeing me ride. The voice that told me that I would never make it in the horse industry. The voice that made fun of my looks, my talents, my likes, my dislikes, pretty much everything about me as they tried to change me into someone completely different than myself. 

And personally, I think that the sound of hoofbeats as I do the thing that fills my soul with joy is the way to drown it out. 

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A Little Vulnerable Moment

A Little Vulnerable Moment

Monday, December 11, 2023

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get this tee at Neon Daisy Co.
click the picture

I've been thinking a lot about where I want to go with barrel racing, and how I can get there lately. I guess because it's the end of 2023, and I thought I'd be so much farther by now. The end of the year is often introspective for me.

I know where I ultimately want to go, and I know what I need to be doing to get there. It just feels like when I start trying that every single thing in the universe works against me. And it makes me question literally everything. 

I think this all goes back to confidence. 

Ultimately, I don't feel confident or like I deserve to do this. And that is something that I learned and internalized based on outside sources telling me this. This is not something that I truly believe with my heart and soul. This is something that has been told to me so many times that I started to question it. I need to get back to the girl who gave it her all, took care of her horses, and believed that we were an unbeatable team. 

What I know is this: I currently have two really amazing horses. One of which is due with a baby in March to a nice stallion who performs well in the roping pen and has a good head. This will give me three really nice horses to run with. 

I also know that I have years of experience riding, training, and running horses. I know that I can handle sticky situations. I know that I can work with horses and get them where I need them. I know that I can build a team with a horse. 

So what keeps holding me back? 

It's only me. I need to get out of my own head and fall back on the things I know...and push the voices of those who told me I couldn't out of my head. I need to use those voices telling me I can't or I'm not good enough as fuel. Because I can think of nothing better than reaching my ultimate goals, and sending them the video links of me proving them wrong. 

I've been working behind the scenes on this, but I'm ready to start sharing all of my journey publicly. I'm ready to let others share in this journey in the hopes that if they're feeling less than confident it helps them. At least letting everyone feeling down that they're not alone.

Essentially I'm ready to get delulu about what I can achieve. I'm about to be my biggest fan. So, let's go. 

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PopTart + Me

PopTart + Me

Tuesday, November 7, 2023

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PopTart came into my life in September of 2019. I hadn't owned a horse since I sold my mare, Polly, in 2008 before moving to Oklahoma. I had ridden a handful of times here and there over that time, but not enough to gain new skills or even keep the ones I have sharpened. And over the course of those years from 2007 to 2017 I was in a relationship that robbed me of the majority of my confidence. Especially with horses. 

After being told for years that I needed to give up my barrel racing dreams because I "didn't ride well anyway" and "wouldn't know how to ride a nice horse to save my life" among other worse sentiments wore down my confidence in myself and my abilities, despite having ridden since before I could walk and having horses my entire life. 

I had won everything local that could possibly be won, and I'd worked with multiple trainers learning everything I could from them. I'd read every book, magazine, and website I could find to help me evolve into a better horse person and rider. 

And when I got PopTart, we'd been riding some horses for a few months until that wasn't enough. I needed my own horse again. On the test ride, I took her out on trails and never thought twice about not being able to ride her. She is a lot of horse, but she's not a crazy untrained idiot. 

After bringing her home, my confidence sank. Every time I was tacking up I would just hear all the negative things about me and my riding permeating my brain. This continued for awhile, and as I worked on preparing her to run barrels I found that I was deathly afraid to go fast on her. This continued to get worse and worse. 

I rode her for the last time in March of 2022. 

Over that time I took to riding my senior gelding who I felt safe with. But unfortunately his time came due to age and cancer. Of course I had stopped riding him long before that.

Then the other day I was out lunging PopTart because if I'm not riding she still needs to be in shape, and I thought ya know what? I'm going to ride her. I took her to get tacked up, and then I realized that I needed new billet straps and latigo. Since I'd already made the decision I threw on the bareback pad, climbed onto the fender well of the trailer, and hopped on her back. 

It went beautifully. 

She pranced around for a bit then settled into a walk. The ride was delightfully uneventful despite the fact that my stomach continually threatened to purge itself of the chocolate milk that I drank right before heading out to work horses. 

We are back on a nice schedule of slow riding as she's almost six months pregnant, but I do hope that this builds my confidence. I don't want to spend 10 years building my confidence up even though that's the amount of time it took to break it down. 

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The Comparison Game

The Comparison Game

Thursday, September 14, 2023

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I am the worst at comparing myself to others, which is why social media can be so dangerous for my mental health. 

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I have to remind myself that people can definitely control what they put on social media for others to see, and they might not always be sharing the whole truth with all of the behind the scenes where they are crying after a run or where their horse goes off pattern. They can choose to only post the highlights if they want. And no shame to those that only share their wins. 

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I will often berate myself for not being as far as someone else with a younger horse than mine, in the case of Bash...but I have to remind myself that he was completely out of anything for a year while he healed from a pretty significant injury. And also that it's okay to work on my own timeline with what's best for my horses and myself. 

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There is a ton of hustle culture promoted online which makes it hard to slow down and enjoy the journey while working towards something as well. We are often made to feel inadequate if we are perceived as not working hard at something. 

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As someone who struggles with both mental and physical health issues I am sometimes limited by what I can handle. There are times when I am simply not physically strong enough to work my horse hard or push through. There are also times when mentally I am not in the game. And at those times I have learned that I need to listen to my body and my soul to take it slow. I can work on something else or spend time bonding with my horses instead. That's okay too. 

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So if you're feeling less than confident because you feel like you can't keep up with what everyone else is doing just remember that you might not be seeing their full picture and that you're finding a way that works for you and your horses. It doesn't have to be like everyone else and you can still find success. 

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